Whats the point.

He had felt this way before, lying face down not trying to fight the quiet tears running down his face. In this state he thought a lot about the fucked up world he lived in. He knew there were happier people in the world that had less than half of what he could boast of .... this made him feel worse... a tinge of guilt that he was wallowing when he had so much to be happy about. But he had no Idea how people could ignore the messed up conundrum that is their life.
He had so much he wanted to do, he had failed in so many things and ways. Even if he succeeded it will all come to a grinding halt with his imminent demise. Aware that there are times that the world is a happy place and maybe it is worth living for these times he still lay there shedding these tears not entirely for himself but also for those suffering souls living somewhere in a gutter of utter insignificance and nothingness the rest of the world passing by in make believe obliviousness. How can they just prosper ignoring and many times causing rifts of misery to wash over those less capable.
FINE they worked to achieve their present status ... it does not make it right. His face leaked because most in the position to change the situation didn't they just gave a little to feel less guilty that they had so much. He knew it would not change, he was always destined to succeed, he knew he would become one of them when he achieved destiny. And now his consideration of those suffering souls out there in the world made him realize that when he is happy he is happy for himself only. When he wants to end it all he is being entirely selfish in his decision.
Of course still crying he realised this world is fucked up because he does not give a shit about it and it does not give a shit about him. This is what drives us to achieve so moch against all odds, but we end up celebrating alone like we were from the start. What made him fall deeper into this blackhole he formed around himself was the fact that he'd always be too much of acoward to do anything, wether end it or change it. His life, this life was fucked, he wiped his tears away and feigned ignorance to carry on, just like everyone else.


Extract from Slip Out The Back - Fort Minor
I don't need to tell you that life isn't fair
it doesn't care
It arbitrarily cuts off your air
And like you
I want someone to say its okay.....

Nothing matters

So you can probably tell from my blogs that almost nothing has been going on in my life recently.
I AM BROKE, RUINED, BANKRUPT, PENNILESS, OVERDRAWN. I felt 1 word won't explain the magnanimity of the situation.
I stopped working about a month ago around the time I last took alcohol or got laid.
I have been mostly indoors.
I registered for classes due to start on the 3rd of next month
My birthday is on the 29th of this month.
I lost my replacement phone last week.
I haven't been called for a job after my phone interview.
And I hate the world again.
I am back to my Hard rock and Metal phase, all this happy music is not working for me right now.
I am thinking removing all colour from my wardrobe and buying everything in black.
And in an effort to stir things up in my life again I decided to get in touch with an old lady friend I have not seen for over 2 years and arrange a meeting today. Now I cant sleep because I'm hoping it goes well and everything clicks like when she was in school. Come to think of it I always liked her and I cant help but think if she had stayed in my school I would not have ended up in the crappiest relationship of my life.
And no matter how tomorrow ends .... I tried.

P.s I miss inebriation.

Nothing matters

So you can probably tell from my blogs that almost nothing has been going on in my life recently.
I AM BROKE, RUINED, BANKRUPT, PENNILESS, OVERDRAWN. I felt 1 word won't explain the magnanimity of the situation.
I stopped working about a month ago around the time I last took alcohol or got laid.
I have been mostly indoors.
I registered for classes due to start on the 3rd of next month
My birthday is on the 29th of this month.
I lost my replacement phone last week.
I haven't been called for a job after my phone interview.
And I hate the world again.
I am back to my Hard rock and Metal phase, all this happy music is not working for me right now.
I am thinking removing all colour from my wardrobe and buying everything in black.
And in an effort to stir things up in my life again I decided to get in touch with an old lady friend I have not seen for over 2 years and arrange a meeting today. Now I cant sleep because I'm hoping it goes well and everything clicks like when she was in school. Come to think of it I always liked her and I cant help but think if she had stayed in my school I would not have ended up in the crappiest relationship of my life.
And no matter how tomorrow ends .... I tried.

P.s I miss inebriation.

We all travelled in the same car to the state capital, conversating about insubstantial meaningless topics, to collect our NYSC certificates. We got there, I had no trouble receiving mine with an epiphany.
I realised at that instance that I had built, in this 1 year period platonic relationships disgused as comradery, we all did.
I watched these benefficial relationships crumble into the nothings we had tried to portray as deep reaching emotionally
driven friendships. As we said our goodbyes I knew, that we would probably never meet again and we would definitely not try to keep in touch. But you never know right its a small world.
But I guess thats just what relationships are ... its all about what we can get and people have different need.Believe me when I say some people just want to give, some just want to take, some want to be adored, some maybe all human beings want to be loved and some want to be hated.
Yeah maybe those that want to be hated want it because of the attention that comes with it .... have you ever been in a close space with an enemy? you cant keep ur eyes off each other.LOL.
Maybe those that want to be adored need it to reassure themselves of their beauty or whateva.
Maybe those that give endlessly just feel they have too much to give and maybe they actually like seeing people happy!
I'm pretty sure i'm getting this analysis wrong and I would not mind somebody bringing these issues to light for me, I think I'm an emotional infant.
But what I'm sure of is that there is something to be gained/lost in every relationship ... even sometimes when you dont get to give as much as you want, it hurts. thank heavens i've never been the giving type. But in light of this revelation I posit that the best relationships are those in which all parties know what they want to get and have something to offer in return. It is not always easy to know what you want but in those rear ocassions when you do, it would be so easy to walk up to some1 and say "I know you want ...., I want **** and I can give you .... lets hook up!". BUT NO!!! as humans we have to go and make everything even harder. We act as though we only want to give just waiting patiently for that moment when we would collect Oh! the Humanity! of it all. Anyway there are those like me that cant figure out what we want .... when I have the physical arrangement, i want the emotional .... when I have the emotional, I want the physical ... when I have both, I want the stressless arrangement.

But this will help you in Life i'm sure of it, just know what you want from every single relationship you go into, wheather it is parental, official etc. But most Importantly Know What You Can AFFORD To Give.

PS today Is not always better!